I love reading these groups on facebook - the funny ones not the annoying ones that like everyone joins or becomes a fan off like 10000 times a day.
Feel free to add your own!
30 reasons a girl should call it a night!
(apparently this is an english version rather than american - according to the page but i think they just made it sound different, like with some language)
1. It becomes ok to Wee in the street/ behind trees/ behind cars/ down alley ways often resulting in pissy shoes which you and your friends find hilarious.
2. Kebabs, pizzas, burgers are the best thing you've eaten in your life.
3. You light your cigerrette the wrong way round.
4. You try your hardest to be quiet when you get home only to knock everything in your path over, fall up the stairs, smash a glass, keep saying shhhh but so loudly you end up being louder than anyone else.
5. You are sick in pub/club toilets only to come out feeling refreshed and ready to drink more.
6. It becomes normal to snog all of your female friends.
7. You become scarily paranoid and accuse your bloke of fancying all your friends, staring at other girls and cheating on you.
8. You insist on pouting in photos thinking you look hot only to resemble a catfish.
9. You form what you think is an everlasting friendship with doormen and taxidrivers.
10. All your morals on one night stands go out the window.
11. Walking home on your own seems an ok idea.
12. Its suddenly fine to start removing items of clothing.
13. Your worst enemies suddenly become your new best friends.
14. You insist on telling all your friends how much you love them, and on having a group hug. Only to end up on the floor.
15. You can withstand the cold and any pain.
16. You manage to lose your phone/bag/purse at least 20 times, only to find it was next to you all along.
17. You fall asleep and wake up fully clothed with all your makeup on.
18. You drop your phone down the toilet/ in your drink.
19. You start singing at the top of your voice to all of the songs in the club while dancing and thinking you look so hot.
20. You think it is a good idea to take off your shoes in the club/ on the walk home.
21. Your skirt ends up back to front/ tucked into your knickers.
22. You singe your eyelashes with your lighter.
23. You have the same conversation about 10 times with the same person.
24. You text/phone your ex to tell him you miss him.
25. You are trying to gyrate sexily on the dancefloor but can't keep your balance and keep banging into randomers.
26. You suddenly start to find the ugly boring man trying to chat you up charming and highly attractive.
27. You end up with more drink down your clothes than you actually managed to drink.
28. You meet new people full of enthuasiam only to forget their name 2 minutes later.
29. You think it is fun to write on each other with lipliner/ eye liner.
30. You think you can fight the world but end up falling out with your friends, randomers and yourself.
This must be the 'american' version - due to the use of 'gas station'
1. You have absolutely no idea where your friends are.
2. You have absolutely no idea where your car is... wait did you bring your car??
3. You've become convinced that dancing with your arms overhead, shaking your ass, and yelling WOOHOO is truly the sexiest dance move EVER.
4. You've suddenly decided you want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe you can do it (bitch...i ain't playin...).
5. You start singing 80's songs at the top of your lungs and showing off your dance skills to the car next to you.
6. Your bladder becomes amazingly full every 10 minutes.
7. You sit down and the room and people around you start spinning profusely.
8. You're slurring your words so bad, that nobody can understand what you're saying and then when they say "what?", you can't even remember what you were talking about.
9. You've come up with the brilliant idea that you can create less of a hassle for your friends by just "sleeping over" at a your guy friend's house.
10. You see beers all over a table so you pick up each one until you find one half full and chug it when no one is looking.
11. You talk to stupid skanks you really hate and tell them you really do like them and that ya’ll should be friends.
12. You pass out at the party and the next morning there is writing all over your face and limbs. (If you pass out with your shoes on, you are fair game).
13. You find yourself peeing behind random buildings and bushes.
14. You become overly enthusiastic when someone offers you $20 dollars to make out with your friend (when you totally would have done it for free).
15. The man you're flirting with used to be your RA.
16. You've suddenly taken up smoking, and become really good at it.
17. Every conversation starts with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
18. Your make-up is smeared all over your face and somehow you have still managed to make out with 5 different guys. Very classy.
19. The urge to take off articles of clothing becomes strangely overwhelming.
20. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own, so you keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
21. You yell at the bartender, because you think he cheated you by giving you lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.
22. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like the bathroom floor.
23. Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
24. You begin to think you're a really good dancer and anyone within arms reach becomes your new dancing partner.
25. You've taken off your shoes because you believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking.
26. You can't feel your phone vibrating in your pocket and then when you look to see what time it is, you find you have 7 missed calls from someone you "supposedly" met at the last party.
27. One minute you're strutting your stuff, the next minute you're rolling on the ground, and you can't seem to remember the transition.
28. You can no longer feel your face or limbs so you flail your body about to try to regain feeling.
29. You call your ex-boyfriend 1,000 times and leave lots of really nice voicemails saying that ya'll need to hang out more.
30. You start hugging strange people and having great conversations with strangers at gas stations
10 commandments of a university student (posted on old ctow)
I- Thou Shalt Nap And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Ill All the Time Now God said to Student, you must be ill all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and hook up with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be ill all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Acquire A Nickname And Student asked of his name, for he had heard that names often change at university. And God said unto him, you shall acquire a nickname and that is what people will know you as forever. Some may even forgot your real name, God added. And student asked if he could choose the name he was to be known by. And God laughed a mighty laugh and said to Student, he who attempts to pick his own nickname shall be called Assknuckle! And Student understood his wisdom and determined to accept whichever nickname he was given.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a university student. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God, "What kind of Hoodie should it be?" And God said, "You shall own many of varying colours and creeds." And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Embarrass Yourself Online And next student asked God of technology and how one should conduct himself online. And God said to student, thou shalt embarrass yourself online. And student was confused but God explained it to him. Said God, you will log into facebook drunk and write embarrassing things on your friends profiles. You will message people you are attracted to and then completely forget you have done so. You will post pictures of yourself that will someday be the reason you cannot find a job. And student began to weep so God took a video of this and put it on youtube.
VI- Thou Shalt Order Many Takeaways Student asked unto God if there were any need for takeaways given the numerous recipe books he had already acquired, but God said to him, "You shall order many a takeaway, but you are poor, with little money and shall eat 8p value noodles instead of using said books." Student ordered takeaway and ate 8p value noodles and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend, do the walk of shame and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at uni and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at clubs and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and said 'giggity, giggity' and it was good.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in marker pen. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still hook up even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore for many will be like you and that is good. The student felt better and God pointed to Students chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits.
A group dedicated to all those (teenager or nay) who conform, albeit regrettably, to the stereotypical view of the youth of today, particularly when inebriated or recovering from a heavy night of drinking.
Criteria for joining this group include having participated in any of the following activities (although number 1 is compulsory and non-negotiable):
1.Shameless binge drinking A.K.A the catalyst for... 2. Social smoking (extra points for those who loudly advocate the merits of the smoking ban when sober/those who enjoy making obnoxious comments to those who do smoke regularly). 3.Extra-marital sexual activity. 4.Dangerous driving, namely: speeding, hangover driving, constant horn honking, selfish/ ungracious parking (shouting "bus wankers" out of the window is also covered by this point). 5.Occasional to frequent drug taking. 6.Swearing as a form of punctuation e.g. "**** the ****ing ****ers". 7.Saying "I wish my life was like 'Skins'". 8. Inappropriate dress in public e.g. "sexy" forms of fancy dress; anything you wear over the weekend (especially if you are under 18 and 'trying to look old'); wearing pyjamas in public. 9. Dirty dancing with everyone and anything, living or otherwise.9b. Dirty dancing with only one consenting partner, also called finding a grindee and using them like a pole. 10.Violation of one's own personal property i.e. destruction of phone by dropping it somewhere exotic (into a drink, down a toilet, under a car...). 11. Getting to a cash point with no longer a penny to your name, and after extensive searching realising your card has vanished (extra credit if you're stood in a long, angry and cold queue when this happens). 12.Doing "something" with a boy at a party.12b. Doing "something" with a girl at a party.12c. Doing "something" with a boy and a girl at a party (separately or at the same time). 13. Spectacularly falling, face planting the floor and wondering how you got there... (i.e. Ellie Geldard's impressive chin splitting in Preston). 14. Chanting the name of a club/pub/bar over and over again in a mob until there is a mass migration towards said establishment e.g. RIO'S!!!!! 15. Hysterical crying on the dance floor whilst your friends comfort sympathetically/shrug and dance happily around you. 16.Aggressive abuse of anyone who looks at you in a "funny" or "pervy" way. 17.Stealing road signs. 18. Getting on your high horse and going on a rampage. 19. Thinking you have lost money/had it stolen when you really spent it on alcohol, namely blue WKDs.19b. Drinking blue WKDs.19c. Buying multiple alcopops on a 'deal' (e.g. 3 for 1) and attempting to dance with/keep them all before inevitably giving up. 20. Waking up after a night out/party and starting your first conversation of the day with a horrified "oh my god did I.....last night?". 21. Being sat down and told what you did the night before by your friends with disapproving/disgusted looks on their faces. 22.Making the shame-faced trip to the pharmacy in the morning... 23. Inspecting your body and being alarmed to find bruises, cuts, pieces of glass etc. which definitely weren't there previously. 24. Either participating in or watching the shaving of someone’s head/leg/other body part. 25. Texting/calling at random anyone in your phonebook i.e. exes, people you like, people you dislike. 26. Dancing on tables/ bars/any area slightly elevated above floor level. 27.Apologising tearfully for almost no reason/something you did a long long time ago (especially if it's something they knew nothing about). 28. Trying to renew an old friendship "we haven’t spoken in ages....but I love you!.....like I really ****ing love you! (see 6). 29. Waking up with crippling dry mouth but being so ill/hobbled you can’t face getting up for that life-saving drink of water. 30. Thinking a mobile phone is an adequate source of light...it's not. 30b. The subsequent accidents caused by using such inadequate lighting. 31. Taking off your shoes in a club and getting glass in your feet/using them as a piece of dance apparatus. 32. Jumping a taxi/running for your life from a very angry taxi man in the opposite direction of your house. 33. Having a near fatal case of 'flu' (more recently 'swine flu') every single Saturday/Sunday morning making it 'impossible' for you to go to work unless they really really REALLY need you...and sometimes not even then. 34. Attending work/college/lectures clutching a bottle of water to yourself like it's a liferaft and deciding after a few painful hours that you were definitely 'still drunk' when you woke up that morning. 35. Having the police break up any party you hosted/attended (also if you have EVER thought that some policemen you spoke to when drunk were 'actually sound' like the ones in Superbad). 36. Trying to convince bouncers that your fake 'E.U. driving permit' I.D you bought over the internet, and they know you bought over the internet, is real. 37. Claiming over and over again that you're not drunk, honestly, you're just tired. 38. Throwing up profusely, especially on someone you don't really know or in/on something valuable.38b. Urinating in/on something valuable. 39. Knowing anyone, including yourself, who has had alcohol poisoning to the degree the emergency services were involved/they urinated on themselves (see 38b.)40. Promising yourself and everyone who'll listen that you are never EVER drinking again (for the 50th+ time). 41. Having the undeniable compulsion to get naked be it in public/ in someone else house/ in front of a stranger/all alone. 42. Experiencing the sheer horror of having people walking in on/hearing/revealing you having sex (particularly if it's done with glee or if cameras are involved). 43. Singing songs, especially those which contain notes you can't hit before drinking a bottle of wine, with even more raucous enthusiasm e.g. Love Shack, when in Rio's.43b. Attempting to sing songs when knowing little to none of the lyrics outside of the title line, e.g. oooh woahowwooo your sex in on fire, err conwoahoooo with hmmm yeah transpired...! 44. Deciding you are a culinary wizard, i.e. stumbling in at 4am and beginning to cook foods such as pasta/pancakes/pizzas/pies/meat and fish products that actually require concentration when sober. Very risky business.44b. Waking up in the morning and finding the remnants of what you ate last night and not being happy, i.e. sweetcorn, eveywhere.44c. Trying to sober up a drunk friend (or indeed yourself) by eating as much bread/drinking as much water as humanly possible....it doesn't work! EVER! 45. Trying to hook yourself/a best friend/a person you barely know up with the first remotely hot boy/girl you see, thanks to beer (generic term, includes other substances) goggles. 46. Bathroom photos.....never a good look, but always happens. This includes poses in baths and showers, not just in mirrors. 47. Dancing in the street (probably whilst singing "Dancing in the Moonlight", always overly loud and out of tune). (See 46). 48. Knowing you shouldn't play with fireworks but really, really wanting to.48b. Becoming a pyromanic; suddenly lighters, matches, candles, logfires etc. become a source of vast interest, often topping television in entertainment value (a sudden obsession with molten wax and all its possibilities is also covered by this point). 49. Twister ever seeming like a good idea.49b. Strip poker/monopoly/catch/etc.49c. Spin the bottle, dear god why? 50. Trips to seriously dodgy takeaways that you know have been rumoured to serve meat that does NOT come from normal farmyard animals....but just thinking "sod it". 51. Repeatingly getting lost even in a club you know really well.51b. Being inexplicably unable to find any of the people you arrived with/spending your entire night on a quest to find said people via starting every conversation with: 'Hey! You alright? Good, have you seen...anywhere?'. 52. Finding it absolutely hilarious when fights break out that essentially look like one huge rugby scrum.52b. Turning to the person you were talking/dancing (see 9/10) with and realising they have disappeared into the fight and you are all alone and you don't know where your friends are.52c. Being even more entertained by boys who "start" with each other, play the big man, then get "reluctantly" dragged off by their friends so reallllllyyy unfortunately they didn't actually have to fight. 53. Getting really upset when people touch you or shove you around...you just want to dance, right?53b. Deciding to shove them back and inevitably bring faced with a 20 stone chavvy girl who could absolutely "take" you. Then shamefacedly backing down and promising yourself never to come to the same club/town/county again just in case you meet them on a dark alleyway.53c. Walking down dark alleyways that you would never consider using if you were your sober self. Realising this halfway through and clutching your rape alarm/pepper spray/house keys close to you and trying to remember every self-defence-more-likely-martial arts-film you have ever watched and wondering whether to break the nose or go straight for the 'crown jewels'....just in case. 54. Finding Allah (you know who you are). 55. Throwing up.55b. Throwing up and pretending you didn't when the evidence is clear, "...it's just you were the only one who had noodles". 56. Going out in tights then: getting them laddered; getting them ripped off you; going home without tights. 57. Going to [insert horrible town] (you would probably try not to go there otherwise). 58. Trying to "crowdsurf"....only fools do this sober. 59. Ever saying "drinks are on me!"59b. Buying ridiculously expensive drinks i.e. champagne. Don't pretend you can really appreciate it! 60. Having a minor/major panic attack that all your friends have left you in the middle of a strange club in a strange town.....oh, wait, they're behind me. 61. Begging a taxi driver to squash 5+ people into the space of 4 seats (they will never let you!). 62. Saying the funniest things of your life, "oh my god, we have to remember this! Funniest thing ever!" and completely forgetting this piece of comedy genius that probably would (not) have won you a place at the Edinburgh Fringe. 63. Wearing lipstick/lipgloss and kissing (without consent) everyone's cheek/chest/forehead/nose etc. 64. Saying "wow, we totally have to put this on that supercool 'I Am A Teenage Statistic When Drunk' facebook group"...but probably never doing so. 65. CANNONBALL! 66. Losing brain cells. 67. Losing any novelty accessories i.e hats, sunglasses, because you are so cool that everyone else wants to wear them and look like you.67b. Finding novelty accessories and seeing them rotated around various clubs the entire night. 68. Going to the "pen shop", buying permanent markers and tattooing people; both bodily and facially .69. Getting someone's name tattooed across your forehead in henna. 70. Blacking out......what? 70b. Waking up and thinking "that was such a good night"...wait... actually, what happened? 70c. Memory blackouts getting so bad you inexplicably forget things that happened whilst you were stone cold sober. 71. Not making it past the prelash 72. giving 45 mins of head 73. constantly drinking sainsburys basic black out vodka even though it causes major black outs.....
1. While you are you are making an order, randomly start pressing the numbers on the phone and tell the guy to stop doing it.
2. Make up a credit card name and ask if they accept it.
3. Ask for a Big Mac, French fries and a Large Coke.
4. Finish the order with: "Remember, this conversation never happened".
5. Tell him you've got another pizza delivery on the other line and you're buying from the one who offers the lowest price.
6. Just give him your address and say "Surprise me". Then hang up.
7. Answer his questions with other questions.
8. Spell the ingredients.
9. Stutter every time you say something with the letter "P"
10. Ask him if they have pizza.
11. Say "Hello" and act as if he called you.
12. Make your order being very decided and secure, then when he asks you if you would like a drink with the pizza, act as if you were confused.
13. Change your accent every 5 seconds.
14. Ask for 56 pepperoni slices followed by an equation.
15. If he repeats the order to make sure, say "Ok, it's $17.90, please proceed to the next window to pick up your order".
16. Explain him that you want to rent a Pizza.
17. Ask if you can keep the box. When he answers yes, make a huge sigh of relief.
18. Ask him if they exploit child labor.
19. Tell him to make sure that your pizza is dead.
20. Imitate the voice of the guy taking the order.
21. Eliminate the verbs of everything you say.
22. Tell him that there's a surprise party at yours and that you would appreciate if the delivery boy could hide behind the couch until the celebrated one comes in to surprise him/her.
23. Ask if you could see the menu.
24. Warn them that they have no idea of what they are dealing with by supplying this order.
25. Ask him which ingredient is better for a meal with a specific type of wine.
26. Burp and then tell your dog that he should be ashamed.
27. Ask only for one slice.
28. Psychoanalyze the guy taking the order.
29. Complain about the service. Call again two hours later saying that you were drunk and that you are sorry about what you said.
30. Tell the guy taking the order to tell the one in charge to tell the supervisor that he's fired.
31. Randomly start swearing to someone who is apparently next to you.
32. Stop speaking every 10 seconds and start playing an instrument.
33. Tell a secret code to the guy taking the order and tell him to memorize it for orders you'll make in the future.
34. Ask for mushrooms as the first ingredient, then before you hang up, say "no mushrooms please". Then hang up before he can say anything.
35. when he repeats the order, correct him changing an ingredient, then correct him again, and again. The third time ask him if it's his first day working there.
36. Breath loudly.
37. Ask him how many whales/dolphins had to die to make that pizza.
38. Avoid using the word "PIZZA" by any means. If the guy taking the order says it, hang up saying "Please, don't use that word".
39. Make the order during a car chase on TV. When there are gunshots, yell "Aaarghhh"
40. If the guy taking the order doesn't take any of the previous jokes, ask him if there's any other who would take them.
DramaQueen wrote: 38. Throwing up profusely, especially on someone you don't really know or in/on something valuable.38b. Urinating in/on something valuable.
I've definitely done this. I threw up in someone's dryer at a house party on new years. And I only remember this because my friend told me about it. Cute.
The hilarity of changing wand to willy. the person wrote this : In my opinion, there is no such thing as "childish humour". If there is something which makes people laugh; makes people happy; it's just as sophisticated as any other witty anecdote or classic joke. Also, this has been a joke muc older than this group. I just created a place for new quotes to be put, I never once said it was my original idea. Lastly, "Wang" is not funnier than "willy". It's also not as English. Just enjoy the quotes as they are:
Quotes:
"Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his willy hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent."
A magic willy... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first willy. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice willy for charm work." "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany willy. Eleven inches. "
"... Today's will be a practical lesson. You will only need your willies."
Ron struggled for a moment before managing to extract his willy from his trousers. "It's no wonder I can't get it out, Hermione, you packed my old jeans, they're tight!" "Oh, I'm so sorry," hissed Hermione, and Harry heard her mutter a suggestion as to where Ron could stick his willy instead.
"Don't put your willy there, boy!" roared Moody."
Harry rubbed his willy feverishly until white sparks shot out of the end, which earned him a disapproving look from Fleur.
"Both Sirius and Snape lowered their willies... the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses... "But what's going on?" asked Mr. Weasley. "Nothing, Arthur," said Sirius, who was breathing heavily as though he had just run ...a long distance."
"There was a moment, in the graveyard, where Voldemort's willy and mine sort of... connected."
Draco's sleek, black willy. Identical to his father's willy as far as Harry could remember...
'Willy' grunted the security wizard at Harry, putting down the golden instrument and holding out his hand. Harry produced his willy.
Dumbledore drew his willy out of the inside of his robes and placed the tip into his own silvery hair, near his temple. When he took the willy away, hair seemed to be clinging to it - but then Harry saw that it was in fact a glistening strand of the same strange silvery-white substance that filled the Pensieve.
Hermione's willy gave a little jerk, but did not leave her hand. The feeble attempt at magic was too much for Harry's willy, which split into two again.
Crabbe and Goyle were standing behind him, shoulder to shoulder, willies pointing right at Harry. Through the small space between their jeering faces he saw Draco Malfoy. "That's my willy you're holding, Potter," said Malfoy, pointing his own through the gap between Crabbe and Goyle. "Not anymore," panted Harry, tightening ...his grip on the hawthorn willy. "Winners, keepers, Malfoy. Who's lent you theirs?" "My mother," said Draco.
Draco whipped out his willy, but Harry was prepared and his willy was in his hand before Draco could react....
"He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking toward the door with their willies pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them..."
"Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, willies raised..."
"Are you OK?" said Harry urgently. "My willy," said Ron. "Look at my willy." It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on only by a few splinters
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's willy, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
Harry's willy was vibrating as though an electric charge was surging through it; his hand seized up around it; he couldnt have released if he'd wanted to.
"Come on Harry, whack your willy out." said Hermione.
The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's willy had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
"As you can see, we are holding our willies in the accepted combative position."
"Lupin drew his willy so fast that Harry had barely the chance to reach for his own"
"There was no need to stick the willy in that hard," he said gruffly, clambering to his feet. "It hurt."
"It's time you learned the difference between life and dreams Potter," said Malfoy. "Now give me the prophecy, or we start using willies." "Go, on then," said Harry, raising his own willy to chest height. As he did so, the five willies of Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny and Luna rose to either side of him.
He bent down and pulled his willy out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his willy, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.
He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his willy, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his willy at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
"Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry's willy?"
"Your authority!" she sneered, attempting to wrench her hand from his grasp. "You lost your authority when you lost your willy, Lucious!"
"Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this." said Hermione, raising her willy.
"I had... never heard of such a thing. Your willy performed something unique that night."
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his willy very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his willy.
"Then he whirled his willy at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them."
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" Harry yelled. Nothing happened. Harry gripped his willy tighter and shook it up and down until a thick, whispy white substance prtruded from the end of it.
Then, with a sigh, he raised his willy and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
He looked up. Riddle was still watching him-twirling Harry's willy between his long fingers. "Thanks." said Harry, stretching out his hand for it. A smile curled the corners of riddles mouth. He continued to stare at Harry, twirling the willy idly.
"Yes, very handsome. And is it working well? I always think willies require a little breaking in, don't you?"
'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised willy.
Slowly, he drew the Elder Willy between his long fingers.
Harry hurried along it, stumbling now and then on the uneven floor, holding his willy out in front of him.
Bellatrix's mouth fell open. Snape lowered himself so that he was kneeling opposite Narcissa. Beneath Bellatrix's astonished gaze, they grapsed right hands."You will need your willy bellatrix," said Snape, coldy. She drew it, looking astonished. "And you will need to move a little closer." he said. She stepped forwards so that she stood over them, and placed the tip of her willy on their linked hands.
"Anyway, its a nightmare of a year, the fifth," said George. "If you care about exam results, anyway. Fred and I managed to keep our willy up somehow."
"There will be no foolish willy-waving or silly incantations in this class!"
"What's got your willy in a knot?"
"Just because you can use magic now does not mean you have to whip your willies out for everything!"
"No," said Voldemort. "I have peformed my usual magic. I am extraordinary. But this willy... no. It has not revealed the wonders it has promised. I feel no difference between this willy and the willy I procured from ollivander all those years ago."
"...did things with a willy I've never seen before..."
Harry was half-tempted to place his hands on stout bathilda's backside to ensure that she didn't topple over backwards on top of him, which seemed only too likely. Slowly, wheezing a little, she climbed to the upper landing, turned immediately right and led him into a low-ceilinged bedroom...."Lumos," Harry said, and his willy ignited. He gave a start: Bathilda had moved close to him in those seconds of darkness.
"But if my willy was so powerful, how come Hermione was able to break it?"
Harry was too excited to care: the memory had come back to him at the sight of Krum's willy: Ollivander taking it and examining it carefuly before the Triwizard Tournament.
" I remember every willy I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. It so happens that the phoenix whose tailfeather resides in your willy gave another feather... just one other. It is curious that you should be destined for this willy when its brother gave you that scar."
Harry took the willy. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the willy above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.
So the oldest brother, who was a combative man, asked for a willy more powerful than any in existence: a willy that must always win duels for its owner, a willy worthy of a wizard who had conquered Death! So Death crossed to an elder tree on the banks of the river, fashioned a willy from a branch that hung there, and gave it to the oldest brother...
Moody raised his willy, and Harry felt a sudden thrill of foreboding.
"Harry looked down at his own Willy. He could see finger marks all over it..."
"Stand back." said Lockhart, who was rolling up his jade-green sleeves. "No-don't-" said Harry weakly, but Lockhart was twirling his willy and a second later had directed it Harry's at arm.
Lost in visions of this happy prospect, he flicked his willy a little too enthusiastically, so that instead of producing the fountain of pure water that was the object of that day's Charms lesson, he let out a hoselike jet that ricocheted off the ceiling and knocked Professor Flitwick flat on his face.
"Manners, Potter," said Snape dangerously. "Now, I want you to close your eyes." Harry threw him a filthy look before doing as he was told. He did not like the idea of standing there with his eyes shut while Snape faced him, carrying a willy.
Severus Snape was pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, his willy pointing directly at Lupin.
He looked down at his willy, which he was still clutching in his hand.
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me willy in half an' everything."
"Don't put away your willy, Harry. They might come back."
"No!" roared Snape's voice and the pain stopped as suddenly as it started; Harry lay curled on the dark grass, clutching his willy and panting.
He and harry looked at each other before raising their willys simultaneously.
But even as he shouted, another jet of green light flew at Dumbledore from Voldemort's willy and the snake struck.
"Willy weighing?" Harry repeated nervously. "We have to check that your willies are fully fuctional, no problems you know, as they're your most important tools in the task ahead." said Bagman.
Cedric Diggory emerged in his entirety from the end of voldemorts willy, as though it was squeezing its self out of a very narrow tunnel.
Harry had a choice of paths up ahead. "Point me!" he wispered again to his willy, and it spun around and pointed him to the right-hand one.
Mrs Weasley flicked her willy at the washing up.
"You’ve missed your chance. I got there first. I overpowered Draco weeks ago. I took this willy from him."
"And what exactly did I say?" asked Hermione, her tone somewhere between scepticism and curiosity. "My name, 'Ron'. And you said ...something about a willy..."
Now Wormtail was busying himself at the bottom of the cauldron with a willy.
Voldemort had raised his willy. His head was still tilted to one side, like a curious child, wondering what would happen if he proceeded. Harry looked back into the red eyes, and wanted it to happen now, quickly, while he could still stand.
Harry's willy was vibrating as though an electric charge was surging through it; his hand seized up around it; he couldnt have released if hed wanted to.
Harry saw that voldemorts long white fingers, too, were gripping a willy that was shaking and vibrating.
The closer the bead moved, the harder Harry's willy vibrated; he was sure his willy would not survive contact with it; it felt as though it was about to shatter under his fingers.
Harry, awestruck and overwhelmed, saw willies emerging everywhere, pulled from beneath cloaks and from under sleeves.
"No volunteers?" said Voldemort, "Let's see... Lucius" When he spoke his voice was hoarse. "My Lord ?""Your willy Lucius, I require your willy." Malfoy put his hands into his robes withdrew his willy and passed it along to Voldemort. Voldemort drew out his own willy and compared the lengths.
"...expecto patronum, expecto patronum-" Something whooshed suddenly out of the end of his willy; it looked like a wisp of silver... "Did you see that?" said Harry excitedly. "Something happened!"
Both Sirius and Snape lowered their willies... the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses...
A tiny boy no older than two was crouched outside a large pyramid-shaped tent, holding a willy and poking happily at a slug in the grass, which was swelling slowly to the size of a salami. As they drew level with him, his mother came hurrying out of the tent. "How many times, Kevin? You don't — touch — Daddy's — willy— yecchh!"
"I don't think there's any need for language like that!" said Madame Malkin, scurrying out from behind the clothes rack carrying a tape measure and a willy. "And I don't want willies drawn in my shop either!" she added hastily, for a glance towards the door had shown her Harry and Ron both standing there with their willies pointing at Malfoy.
Olivander ran his fingers along the willy, apparently checking for scrathces or bumps, then he muttered "Orchideous" and a bunch or flowers burst from the willy's tip.
"I'm going to Hagrid's" said Harry taking out his willy, "I've got a good feeling about going to Hagrid's."
Plunging a hand down the neck of his robes, he whipped out his willy and roared, "Expecto patronum!".
"Lucius, I see no reason for you to have a willy any more."
"Good" said Voldemort. He drew out his own willy and compared lengths.
He waved his willy.
"He's a willymaker!"
"I had not realised I had discussed my villy vith fans"
"Now class, everybody raise your willies... now... swish and flick! That's right everybody... the wrist action."
Leaving his enemy dead upon the floor, the oldest brother proceeded to an inn, where he boasted loudly of the powerful willy he had snatched from Death himself...
Malfoy did not speak. His mouth was open, his willy still trembling. Harry thought he saw it drop by a fraction.
However, these brothers were learned in the magical arts, and so they simply waved their willys and made a bridge appear across the treacherous water...
Some quotes courtesy of JonJonB, most from kind members of the group.
Some un-altered, hilarious and somewhat disturbing quotes of the books:
...which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and the bushes and watch the foursome under the tree
"Well?" said Ron finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?" Harry considered for a moment. "Wet." He said truthfully.
He was on all fours again on Snape's office floor.
Some alternative book titles:
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Boner Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Chode
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Willies Harry Potter and the Chamberpot of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-Cabin Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-Slappin'
Harry Potter and the Semen of Fire Harry Potter and the Goblet of Jizz
Harry Potter and the Odour of the Penis
Harry Potter and the Half-Erect Prince
Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this.
3. You light your cigerrette the wrong way round. 12. Its suddenly fine to start removing items of clothing. 18. You drop your phone down the toilet/ in your drink. 25. You are trying to gyrate sexily on the dancefloor but can't keep your balance and keep banging into randomers. 4. You've suddenly decided you want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe you can do it (bitch...i ain't playin...). 6. Your bladder becomes amazingly full every 10 minutes. 29. You call your ex-boyfriend 1,000 times and leave lots of really nice voicemails saying that ya'll need to hang out more. 6.Swearing as a form of punctuation e.g. "**** the ****ing ****ers". 17.Stealing road signs. 23. Inspecting your body and being alarmed to find bruises, cuts, pieces of glass etc. which definitely weren't there previously. 49. Twister ever seeming like a good idea. 49b. Strip poker/monopoly/catch/etc.49c. Spin the bottle, dear god why?
I've done all of those ahahahahahaha
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You're not quite there, you're not on my level. Trust me, for you I'm trouble.
25. You are trying to gyrate sexily on the dancefloor but can't keep your balance and keep banging into randomers.
hahahahaha we've talked about this :)
YES WE DID. and i think thats why i cant dance in heels because whenever i wear heels, im always at a party and too intoxicated to dance barefooted not to mention with heels -_-
__________________
You're not quite there, you're not on my level. Trust me, for you I'm trouble.
